Derek’s Law: No home project will take less than two trips to the store
I’ve attempted two “minor” homeowner projects in the last couple of weeks that should have been breezes. The first – replace the nasty stove hood that was here when we bought the house, had no filter, and which I had repeatedly super glued the light knob back on to. The second, add adjustable wire shelving to the closet in my wife’s office. Neither of these tasks should require physical strength, specialized expensive tools, or more significant brain power.
Here’s a quick work breakdown structure (yeah, someday I’ll take that PMI exam) on how to install a stove vent hood:
- Turn off power
- Disconnect electric from old hood
- Remove old hood
- Install new hood
- Turn power back on and test
Here’s how the project actually went:
- Order hood online and have it delivered. This will save time!
- Turn off power
- Power is still on, try a different circuit breaker
- Nope, that wasn’t it, try again
- Hmm, maybe it’s the one marked “general lighting”
- Nope, still not it. Try every kitchen appliance’s breaker.
- Ah, of course. It’s the one marked “fireplace.”
- Disconnect electric from old hood
- Unscrew old hood from bottom of cabinet… done!
- Think, “That wasn’t so hard!” < - Key mistake
- Test fit new range hood
- Come to realization that mounting hole locations are apparently not an IEEE standard
- Try to fake it
- Give up on trying to fake it and drill new holes in vent hood to line up with wood on bottom of cabinet
- Check to make sure new holes line up correctly
- Drill two more holes, since the damn cabinet must have moved after you marked the first set
- Screw hood in place
- Watch crappy cabinet wood completely splinter, making in incapable of bearing the weight of the hood
- Give up and go to Home Depot for 1″x1″ wood, wood glue, bolts, washers, and a larger electrical clampdown grommet, because the one from the old is too small for the hole on the new hood
- I’ll be damned, the new grommet is too big. Turns out the old one would have worked if it only had a nut.
- Go back to Home Depot to get correct size grommet
- Upon return from the store, cut wood to fit under cabinet, giving us a new surface to screw to
- Trim off the extra 1/8th inch, because no matter how hard you try, you just can’t hammer it into place
- Glue and clamp new wood into place
- Let dry for 24 hours
- Decide to use bolts/washers to give new wood extra holding strength, just in case
- After drilling holes, realize there is no way you can get the nut on the other end of the bolt since there’s like half an inch of space between the two cabinets.
- Decide to just use wood screws instead
- Realize the holes you just drilled are too large for the wood screws to grab anything
- Shove toothpicks in the holes to replace the wood you drilled out
- Mark location for new screw holes, which incidentally now line up with the hood’s original intended mounting location, making the six new holes you drilled for naught
- Install new grommet
- After yanking for five minutes trying to pull the wire sheath through the new [smaller interior diameter] grommet, give up and just clamp the bastard down
- Screw hood into place
- Hook up electrical
- Turn power back on
- Test. Success!
- Wait, is the fan supposed to be that loud?
- Flip filter around the other way
- Success! No, really this time!
- Reset the 18 now blinking clocks from switching off all the wrong circuit breakers first
After the vent hood fiasco, we figured we make sure to do things right with the closet project and get someone to help us make sure we have all the correct stuff before we left the store in the first place. He cut the shelves to size, pointed out the correct brackets, gave us tips on how to mount them to the wall, confirmed we had everything we needed, and off we were. Back at home, everything went great… except for the fact that my 2″ carriage bolts were just a teensy bit to short to open inside the wall given the extra depth of the rails. No worries… Home Depot also has a 3″ carriage bolt that should do just fine.
Yikes, it sounds like an episode of Home Improvement. Where are Tim Taylor and Al Borland when you need them?
Ah, see if you had your project mgmt. certification, you could have cut that task plan down to 10 steps! 🙂
I’ll Six Sigma it for you….
Any project can be completed in 23 minutes, no matter how big. No trips to the store are needed and hide-and-seek for the exact tools for the job is not needed. Watch any home-improvement show to see what I mean. They always get it done with time to spare.
Also, “pimping” your ride, landscaping and cooking fancy meals are also quick, and there is no need for clean-up of any kind. I know, I’ve watched ’em.
You know that 30 minute meals thing by Rachel Ray? My wife got one of the cookbooks for Christmas, and after a little practice she can get one done in just under 45 minutes!!!!
But those meals ARE quite good, believe it or not.
And Derek, the beauty of so much home improvement work is that you’ll generally never forget how to set the time on the 3124 appliances that you accidentally turn off…
Rachel Ray scares the crap out of me.