Blessings and Having Faith

October was full of so many emotions my head is exhausted.  We went from super excited to worry and nervousness to extreme disappointment to happiness and thankful all in the span of 5 days.

The day of our good friend Suzy’s Wedding, I found out I was pregnant again.  We went to Suzy and Rob’s Wedding so full of joy, and feeling like we were on top of the world! And we were so good, we didn’t tell anyone except our parents. There were plenty of opportunities too, when other friends of ours asked us if we were thinking of having more children. We just looked at each other and said – ‘Maybe, we’ll see what happens!’

As it turns out, it was a better thing that we never said anything to anyone. The next day, I started Miscarrying, and lost the baby on that Tuesday. If I didn’t pay so close attention to my cycle, I never would have even known I was pregnant again. But me being 5 days late NEVER happens.

But that began a whole series of bloodwork, and learning a whole lot about pregnancy hormones in the meantime, in order to decifer what the doctor was telling us was going on. They kept telling me, ‘If you are in a lot of pain, take Tylenol – NOT Ibuprofin, just in case the pregnancy takes.’ JUST IN CASE??? They were remaining hopeful even though they were telling me it was most likely a miscarriage. (Or threatened abortion, as they wrote on my chart. Which let me tell you this Roman Catholic Conservative just thought was awesome! 😉 )

How can doctors do that? Tell you not to hope it will take, but at the same time tell you to avoid something just in case? I know they have to cover their asses, but that just does horrible thing to a possible Mom-To-Be-Again’s brain! And all the things they tell you – that it’s not your fault, you can’t screw up a pregnancy that easily or abortion wouldn’t be an issue (everyone would just drink too much, or go swing dancing as in our case at the Wedding to get rid of an unwanted pregnancy), or that there was something not right with the fertilized egg and your body gets rid of it on purpose, and that there is nothing they can do.  None of that mattered to me. And it only gives a momentary measure of comfort now. As the Mom, you can’t help thinking that something you did made this happen.

A few weeks later, all my tests came back negative. Negative for pregnancy that is. It was here and gone so fast I hardly knew it had happened! Now that our mandatory waiting period for trying again is over, I just keep wondering if maybe it was a sign from God, that we shouldn’t try again. Was it a warning that I won’t be able to handle two kids? Overall, it seems more difficult to deal with now than it did when it was actually happening. PLUS I’m super scared that if I do get pregnant again, will it take? Will I have to go through that again? Is there something wrong?

Now to the Blessings – I look at Ariella so differently now. To get pregnant with her and have no major issues, and be watching her grow into the beautiful little girl she is makes me so thankful. It is such a miracle to be able to do this ‘Mama Thing’, and makes me proud to be a woman who was at least Blessed to have done it once in my lifetime.

I truly do pray for all the Mothers who have lost a child, no matter when or how. It is not an easy thing to get through.